All Good Things Come to an End
by The Storryteller
Summary: There's nothing wrong with me. Buffy please talk to me,I'm your best friend. I now it's my fault but please make it disappear,Spike,please. I can't breathe Spuffy Rated M Warning:contain issues of rape Disclaimer: I don't own the characters Please R
1. It doesn't hurt me

**All Good Things (Come to an End)**

**Summary:** What if Buffy loose her strength and her will to live? What if something happen, something that will change her life forever? What if she's the one who need someone to rescue her for a change? Spuffy; Rated M (just for sure); Warning: contain issues of rape; Disclaimer: I do not own the characters.

Oh, and I'm sorry, that the story disappear for a while guys, my bro deleted it by mistake.

_**Chapter 1:" It doesn't hurt me"**_

_**Music with the chapter:**__ Placebo-Running up That Hill_

**History: **Buffy is in the university, but before she met Riley. In this story she never will.

Buffy was quite satisfied with her life at the moment. She was just at the beginning of her first year at the university and it was good so far. She was in one room with Willow. What she was missing was partner, boyfriend, whatever. At least everybody was telling her so. But she was just fine by herself, she thought… She was strong enough. She was capable to make her decisions without somebody to help her. And she wasn't princess to wait for knight in white horse. Angel…well, he was old story.

"Hey, Buffy!" It was Willow, and just now Buffy realize that she was talking to her from some time. "So, what do you think?"

"Uhm, I…I'm sorry Willow; I kind of missed what you've said…."

"Never mind. Are you coming tonight?"

"To the party…? I think I'll pass. You guys go and have some fun, ok? I have some things to take care of…"

"Like vampires? Like, let's say, little, annoying, blond ones? Do you need help?"

"I can handle Spike and few hundreds like him, thank you. Go! I know you want to see your Prince Charming…"

"I have no idea what you're talking about…." Willow smiled widely" Okay, I'm going. Have fun with Spiky and co. "

"You too….but, please be careful…"

"???"

"You know. The rapes on the parties recently… I know it's a rumor, but…just in case."

"I will. Bye."

There were 3 rapes in the past weeks in the campus, at some parties, but the victims didn't know who the raper was. There was no evidence for anything, just rumors…

"How's it going, pet?"

Spike was behind her back, she knew the sound of his voice. Once, this voice was making her jump, ready to fight. He was a vampire. He was her enemy. Never mind this, now they were friends. She wasn't really aware of the fact how exactly did this happened. It doesn't matter. They were still fighting from time to time. Only now, it was for the fun. Somewhere deep in her, Buffy knew she like him now, as a friend.

"I'd some good fights." In mood for "fun" Buffy smiled at him. " Want some?"

"There is something else I want from you, love."

Just the thought of this made her blush. She knew from some of his words that he … had some thoughts about her…. Or he was just trying to make her feel foolish… and he was succeeding. She didn't know why it made her feel this why or what she was thinking.

"I have nothing for you."

He stepped closer. She holed her breath. Suddenly the night became too hot. She was loosing herself in his deep blue eyes.

"Oh, you do, love. Call me when you're ready to admit it. I'll be still here."

And so he disappeared in the night, leaving her more confused than ever.

"Damn it, Spike" she murmured to herself. "I have nothing to admit…."

It was the end of her patrol, so Buffy was walking to her room. There was no one at the corridors. The night was silent, just the way she liked it She was tired, but in the good way.

"Buffy Summers! I was just looking for you!"

She looked at him, startled. The man was dark blonde, with innocent crystal-blue eyes. Michael Connelly. Her art teacher.

"Hey, Professor Connelly, what are you doing here so late at night?"

"Couldn't sleep. You too, I guess. Do you mind some company?"

"Well, actually I was just going to bed and…"

"Just for a minute. I need to talk to you for a something…"

"Well…ok, if it's for minute. Let's go to my room."

She felt too uncomfortable to say no, he was her teacher after all. So she figured out it will be better if she's at her room. What could he possibly want from one of his students anyway? She had no idea. They finally made it to her room. There was only one chair, so she sat at her bed, with him beside her.

"So, Mr. Connelly, what you wanted to talk about?"

"Please, call me Michael. So I am watching you from some time and I saw how gifted you are. I wanted to ask you if you would like to make an exhibition of your works…

There is something special in your works and I'm sure that there are many people who will appreciate it. There is something special about you…"He leaned forward to kiss her.

There was this big red sign in her head, saying "What is he doing? He is my teacher, I don't even like him, what the hell is he doing?"

"I thought you were married?"

"Divorced."

"Never mind. I'm sorry if you understood wrong but…."started Buffy, but he stopped her with a kiss. It wasn't a pleasant kiss, it wasn't gentle. It was demanding kiss. She pull herself away from him.

"I don't want anything from you. You're my teacher and nothing more."

"You don't know what you want! You all are walking around in tight clothes and showing yourself and asking for someone to fk you and then you don't know what is happening, like you're the most innocent…"

"Get off my room!"

He had started kissing her neck, putting his arms at her thighs, pushing her closer, like she hadn't said a word. Her eyes were wide with the fear growing inside them. She knew she was stronger than him, she was the Slayer after all, but…The fear was making her numb. She wasn't able to move. A little, childish voice inside her was saying "this couldn't be happening. That's not true. This can not be true. I'm just going to wake up and then…" But she didn't wake up. She was just staying there, numb, while he was ripping her clothes off, kissing her, touching her harshly. She had tried to scream but the only sound she was able to make was the sound of her own sobbing. The tears had started running down her cheeks; enormous, glowing…She couldn't do anything. She was the Slayer, but she couldn't do anything. The weight of his body was pressing her to the bed, squeezing her. He was murmuring awful things in her ear. There was nothing left in her head: only panic, and this awful fear, filling her.

She was lying numb, still, alone in her room.

"I won't cry. I won't cry. Nothing happen, I just imagined it all. If I don't cry then it's not real. Nothing happened. Tomorrow everything will be alright."

But it wasn't.

"Hey, Buff! The party was great. You should have come…"

"Yes, I probably should have… then the thing that didn't happened…fuck I'm not thinking about it, it has not happened…", thought she, "It's fine, just don't think about it, it's going to be fine…"

"Hey, are you okay? You look like you're going to faint and you're deadly white…"

"Thank you, Xander, polite as always." her voice was bitter and harsh from the tears.

"Oh, come on, Buff. I'm concerned. And why the hell are you wearing brown. It's so indifferent…"

Indifferent is fine, she thought, so no one will want to do anything with me.

"You can take your concern and put it where the sun does not…"

"Buffy, he's right, you're…pale. Do you want to sit?"

"Oh, come on, I have one bad night and I don't look very well, so something happened? " Her voice was almost tearful.

They were looking at her, speechless.

"WHAT???"

"No one said that something happened…"

"Fuck! Oh, fuck! That's…It's just…Well, nothing happened, okay? I'm fine I just hadn't slept very well…"

"Buffy, we just want to help you…"said Willow quietly…

"There's nothing I need help about, I'm FINE! I don't need your damn concern!"

She was staying there still, not able to say anything else, without crying. Xander reached out to hug her. Her eyes grew wide with panic. She couldn't breath.

"Don't …touch…me!" she ran off, leaving them confused.

'I'm fine, fine, fine, fine, I won't cry….Oh, God, I don't want to think of it…"

When she was finally able to breathe properly, she found them.

"Look, guys, I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier but I'm not a kid. I know when I'm fine and when I need help. When I need, I'm going to ask for it. Nothing happened last night, I just slept badly. Are we okay now?"

Even these words cost her unbelievable effort. She wasn't able to breathe, she wasn't able to think clearly, she was giving everything she could to ignore the memories from the last night, but were always there at some edge of her mind...But even so she wasn't going to loose her friends. She wasn't going to give him this satisfaction too…

"Yes, but…we're going to talk about this sooner or later...That wasn't "nothing" and it wasn't "fine""

"No, Willow. There is NOTHING to talk about. End of the conversation. Oh, I'm late for history class. Got to go, see you later, bye!"

"I'm fine, whatever they may think. Because nothing had happened. I'm the Slayer. I'm strong. It doesn't hurt me"


	2. Facing reality

**Chapter 2**

_**"Facing reality"**_

_**Music: Clint Mansell-Requiem for a dream Summer Overture**_

_**Disclaimer: still not own the characters **_

Buffy was staying still in her room thinking. Flowing. The world suddenly seemed so gray. So…pointless. There was no one she could trust fully, no one to hold her, when she needed. There was no one to love her. Not that she deserved it. Her work as a Slayer was pleasure. Now, it was becoming a duty. Escape. It was all she wanted. Was it too much? Why she saw how unhappy she is now? Why not before? Where was the point at living at all? Or at loving? Or at "_fighting against evil_"?

Willow enters the room and stopped her thoughts. Just in time.

'Hey, Buffy! BTW, why are you in my bed?'

'Is it a crime?'

Her voice was harsh. She just couldn't help it. Being polite now seemed like the most foolish thing to do. When you're too polite in one moment people stop asking you what you want and if you're ok with what they are doing…."I'm not thinking…." Thought she.

'It's not a crime, I just wondered…,'

'Well, don't. Can we switch them?'

She couldn't sleep again at her bed. It was just….she couldn't… It was reminding her too much.

'Fine, but…,'

'Yes or no?'

'Yes, but, Buff, what's going on with you?'

'You mean the beds?'

'I mean you. You're not yourself today.'

'There's nothing wrong with me!' she jumped from the bed. 'I have a patrol. I have to go.'

'Buffy, don't walk away from me, I'm your best friend, talk to me.'

'I'm late.' Her voice was ice-cold.

'You're not. You're not patrolling tonight. Xander is going to. We talked and we decided…'

'Thank you very, very much! How could you do this to me?!?!' now she was yelling.

'And since when I'm not capable to take my own decisions for my own fucking life???'

'Buffy!' Willow was staying there still, on the verge of the tears. 'We wanted you to rest one night. Cause you're tired, not because you're not capable.'

'I didn't expect this from you. I have to go! I have a job, and no one can stop me from going.'

She left the room, feeling bad. But this was better. To turn away from Willow now, before it's too late. She and Xander didn't deserve such awful person for a friend. It was just not fair.

She was fighting automatically, blind for everything. She couldn't forget just for one second the awful nightmare from last night. Because it was just a nightmare.

Right?

When she was done she sat on the ground, breathing hardly. This time she had let them hurt her. She was just irresponsible. 'May be they are right and I'm not capable to fight anymore. For everything.'

'What happened? The Slayer with a wound?' his voice, funny at the beginning became angry as he saw the fear and pain in her eyes. 'How did you bloody let this happened? Let me see it.'

'Go away, Spike. I'm not in mood for you, ok?' "_don't cry, please don't cry in front of him_"

She have stand up, keeping distance between them. Just in case…

'What were you bloody thinking, letting them hurt you? You'll get a scar.'

Her arm had a shear and was in blood.

'They had hurt me be before, Spike. It's not a big deal. And don't act like you don't have a single scar on your precious body.'

'We're talking about _you_ now.'

He was fine with the scars on his body, but he just couldn't handle the thought of her gentle skin cut.

'You know if you wanted to kill me so much, why don't you do it now? I'm not fighting. Come on.'

He sighed.

'What happened, love?'

She could have handled his anger, but he being gentle was just too much. Her eyes filled with unwanted tears.

'I just can't handle this nightmare, this awful… I just want to be able to breathe for one second. I can't breathe, I can't eat. I don't want to live. Didn't I deserve to choose how to die? I just can't do it, Spike, I can't live with it, go on or something….'

He sensed that it wasn't the right moment to ask.

'Come here, pet.' He stepped closer, and hugged her.

'No, don't touch me! Go away, off., please….oh, fuck, it did happened, right?'

The tears start running down her cheeks uncontrollably, and she hated herself for making such a big deal out of it. 'I'm so…so…so…sorrrry' She was holding him as if she was drowning. 'I know it's my fault, but please, make it disappear, please!' She was talking other stuff too, but Spike couldn't understand anything, except for the way she was crying- like it was the end of the world. He wanted to kill anyone who could make her feel this way. 'Just hold on to me,' he murmured 'it's going to be fine.'


	3. Numb

**Chapter 3**

**_'Numb'_**

**_Music with the chapter: Rebecca Lavelle-Don't judge_**

_**Disclaimer: no, still don't own anything…**_

Finally, she moved away from him. 'I …I don't know what has gotten into me, I'm sorry…' she was babbling suddenly feeling that such awful person like her doesn't deserve to be calmed down or anything. That she was bad and it was wrong to make such a big deal out of it. That she actually deserved what she got, and he was right….'Just… just don't be mad at me please; I'm sorry, really, forget it ok? Please?' She was stepping away from him, waiting for the hit.

But it didn't come.  
'You don't have to apologize, but, love, what happened?'  
'I have to go, I'm sorry, really, but I just have to….'  
And so she ran away from him, like she was going to run from everybody from now on.

It was so simple: don't get too close with anyone and you won't get hurt.

She was walking at the hallway and looking back almost every step. She wasn't even realizing it. It was dark and completely quiet. She hated darkness. And silence. She was able to hear every breathy she was taking. Then she heard it. The steps behind her. She started to walk faster. 'I'm just imagining' but, of course, she wasn't. Her heart jumped as she saw his ice-cold blue eyes looking her with desire. She went white and her eyes filled with tears. She was staying still, like she was under a spell.  
'So,' he smiled 'You missed my class today. Why? I thought we had a great time…'  
'I….I….I'  
He squeezed her arm and drawn her closer. The wound from the fight earlier started bleeding again, but she wasn't feeling anything else. Only panic, filling every cell of her body. Her head was empty, she was numb. Her only thought was 'Not again. Please, not again, not …'  
'Listen, bitch. If you miss my classes people will get curious and we don't want this to happen, do we? I want to see you at tomorrow's class and after it. You have a gallery to arrange, and we should…..talk ….in privet for the paintings you're going to put in it. Am I clear?

She nodded, blind from the tears.

When Willow opened her eyes Buffy was already awake and staring at her. They haven't got a chance to talk since yesterday. Willow was asleep when Buffy got back.  
'Hey, Buff. Morning. Are you better today?'  
Willow smiled. Buffy was looking at her, wondering why she's not angry.  
'You're not mad at me?'  
'Nope. I guess you had a reason to act like this. You're ready to talk?'  
'Afraid not. Or we're going to be late.'  
'What? What time is it…Oh, God we're gonna be late!' she jumped from her bed and started to dress.  
'Ok, I have…huh…Middle Age History, and you have Art class, and than we're…'  
'Art class?'  
'Yes, that one with the cute professor with blue eyes? Something wrong? Are you okay?'  
'Oh, God, I'm so going to be in trouble. We're late! Oh, God, oh, my…'  
'Hey, chill, he's not going to kill you, he's cool'  
"I prefer so much if he could just kill me...' thought Buffy.  
'See you at lunch, Willow, bye, wish me luck'

When the class ended she tried to walk away as quickly as possible. No such luck.  
'Ms. Summers, come to my office please'  
She followed him, wondering how she hadn't seen how awful his voice was. Her heart was jumping faster and faster.  
'Come closer' and so she did.  
'So…what kind of galleries do you prefer?' he leaned closer to her and kissed her harshly. 'I personally like naked one the most…'  
She closed her eyes, as he was putting his hands all over her body. She was shaking. 'Look at me' she squeezed her eyes tighter 'Look at me, bitch' he hit her.  
She opened her eyes, wide with fear and pain.  
'I want you to beg me. Beg me to fuck you, bitch!' she cried again as the next hit came.  
'No, no, stop, please, I'll beg you if you want'  
'And don't you dare telling one of your 'friends', they won't believe you anyway, are they…'  
'You're wrong, they…'  
She wanted to believe so much but it seemed so impossible.  
'Oh, no, sweetie, they won't. Because you asked me to come to your room, is it right?'He squeezed her arm. 'I said, is it right?'  
'Yes, yes it is' she cried.  
'You're a bad, bad girl and you need to be punished'…

Her way to the dorms was passing the café where they ate most lunches. She walked through it as fast as she could, pale and blind for everybody and everything.  
Xander saw her first. 'Hey, what…' But she didn't even notice him. Willow stared after her. 'I'm going to check and to tell her for the meeting. See you later, guys''Buffy? Buffy! Wait!'There was no answer. She just walked blindly into the dorm room.  
'Buffy?' now she turned, staring at Willow, but mostly through her.'What's wrong, Buff?' her voice was gentle.'I need a shower' she explained, like it was her most natural attitude in the world.'Oh. Hum…ok than. We have a meeting at the gym after, ok?''Why…at the gym?' she looked at Willow as she was insane'Fighting? Your training? Every afternoon 3 times weekly?''I won't fight. I can't fight. I can't. I just…can't. I need a shower'Willow looked her suspiciously. 'I think you said that already. Come to the gym anyway, we need to talk.'Buffy nodded and went into the bathroom.

'What you mean you're retiring????''Giles, take it easy. I said what I said. You heard me. Find a new Slayer.'  
'WHAT?' this time it was all of her friends.  
'I said…,'  
'We all heard you' said Xander. 'Why?'  
'The Slayer fights. I can't fight, I can't be Slayer. Even you should be able to get it.' She said with ironic voice "Forgive me, Xander, to push you away is the only way you'll be save" she thought.  
'You can fight, Buffy' he said staring at her with concern, not even angry with her words. It hurt her more this way. 'Why would you think you can't?'  
She sighed.  
'Cause I just can't'  
'Come on, I'll show you can.'  
He stood up. 'Come' she stand up next to him 'Now, hit me'  
'What???'  
'Just do it.'  
'I can't, you're….you'  
'And we usually fight friendly every day…ok, what if I tell you something bad about you?  
They hardly even heard her. 'You'll probably be right'  
'And if I tell something bad about…let's say….Willow, then?'  
'You can't, she's your friend….'  
'But if I do?'  
'Don't make things like this, Xander, please, just give up, I can't hit you.'

She was pale and Willow tried to worn Xander with eyes that he could stop, but he didn't saw her.

'Ok, then, I'll hit you, not very harsh, but be careful. Then you'll hit me back'  
He was smiling. Then, he hit her, but she jumped back, just in time. And she didn't hit him. He hit again, and only this time, she didn't move. She stayed numb with the fear.  
'Buff, I'm sorry, I expected that you'll move and...hey, you ok? I didn't meant it, seriously. What …?' Her eyes grew wider and wider, and then the tears start running down her pale cheeks, with the only red hand-print on them. She wasn't moving.  
'Oh, God, don't cry, I'm sorry, I didn't meant it, I just…' he stepped closer, worried.  
Willow was coming from the opposite direction.  
'Buffy, are you…'  
'Why you didn't hit him, don't stay like this' Giles.  
'Sis, if you need…' Dawn.  
'I knew this girl when I was a demon and she…'  
'Anya, it's not the right time…'

The voice and faces were spinning around her, louder and louder.  
And, above all them, the voice in her head. '_They will laugh at you_.'  
Louder and louder. The world was spinning around.

Then it all went black.


	4. Decision

**Chapter 4****_  
'Decision'_**  
_**Music with the chapter: Nelly Furtado-All Good Things Come to an End**_  
She was swimming blissfully through the space, unknown and undefined. Backwards. She and Willow walk through the dark street and the she sees him. Her dark knight. Angel. She smiles and reaches to kiss him. The scene faded. Then she's in Willow's room crying. 'He's not worth it, Buff; you'll find someone else…' Then she reaches out for a book at the highest shelf and the books fall at some guy. 'I'm Riley' 'Buffy' 'what you want me to do, Xander, beg him to stay?' 'Do you love him?' And she was too late. All her life, she was loosing the people who loved her… Then, the next scene. She's walking through the hallway, and she sees him- her art teacher with blue eyes, looking at her. They talk. She asks him to come to her room. She's trying to worn the girl there, but she's not listening.  
The panic caught her. Same time the teacher leans to kiss the girl down there. Her mind exploded with the panic and she waked up gasping for air. But it was only one thing she was sensing- the smell of his cologne filling her nose. 'Oh, god, oh, god, not again, not again…' she cried turning in the bed and sobbing.  
The voice came through the shroud of the pain wrapped around her. 'It's ok, Buffy, its ok. Wake up, you're dreaming' She opened her eyes, looking her friends with fear. The smell was still there.  
'Where am I?'  
'In your bed'  
'WHAT?'  
That finally woke her and she stood up, trying to walk, but Xander pushed her back. 'You're not well enough to walk still' 'Willow how could you do this to me, I thought we switched the beds, I can't sleep here, I just' she's crying so hard that she can't speak anymore.  
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you were unconscious and Xander brought you here and I didn't think…I was worried'  
'I have to get out of this bed; I'm going on yours' she sobbed.  
'Don't dare getting out of bed again. You can't walk still'  
'Xander please'  
'I'm going bring you…' And he did. She hasn't seemed to stop crying.  
'Willow, I thought you're my friend' 'I am, Buffy, what's going on, what happened to you'  
'I told you; nothing is going on, why you don't leave me alone finally. And don't understand why it has something to do with you damn it. I just want to be alone'  
'I'm your friend. I thought I was, at least…,' said Willow quietly and left the room.  
'This was rude, Buff, we're just concerned for you, I mean seriously I'm sorry I hit you, I didn't intend to…but this has nothing to do with the way you're acting those days.'  
'And how exactly I act? I'm curious'  
'Like…,' he started but Anya caught his attention  
'Like one girl who I knew when I was a demon. She was…,'  
'I'm not in mood for your stupid stories, Anya' said Buffy coldly. Anya left the room angrily.  
'Thanks, Buffy.' said Xander quietly with ironic tone and left to find Anya.  
'This wasn't very thoughtful of you, sis. What's going on?'  
'It's too complicated, Dawn, you can't understand…'  
'Oh, let me guess, because I'm child, right?'  
'If you must know, yes.'  
'I might be a child still, but at least I know how to act with my friends, so to have ones. You know whatever is the reason you act like this, it's not enough. They are your friends and want to help you. So do I, but nobody can until you let them. Think about this.' Dawn left too.  
Buffy stared the wall. 'I'm not going to cry. This way is better for them. At least they'll be saved'

Next day, she turned to lunch, just as pale and disoriented as yesterday. She took some random food and sat at one empty table. Willow stared at her in confusion. 'Is she still angry on us or what?' She looked at Buffy again. Buffy wasn't actually eating, just digging in the plate with her fork. 'She's not ok, I'm going there' 'Wait, she's not ready to talk. ''But someone has to make her talk. She'll not going to do it on will''I need to tell something and don't stop me this time,' started Anya.  
'Ok' sighed Xander. 'Let me start instead- this girl when you were a demon…'  
'Yes, exactly and don't look at me like this. I knew that girl back then, who acted just like Buffy.'  
'And it concerns us why?'  
'Because I know what was wrong with that girl and there's pretty good chance to be something similar with Buffy's case.'  
'And what was it?'  
'Her friend had beaten her.'  
'And what it has to do with…no, no way Buffy will give someone to beat her'  
'But she is acting the same way. And she said she couldn't fight. And she cried when you hit her. And…'  
'Ok, enough, I'm going there and I'll ask her straight. But I'm sure you're wrong, she's a Slayer, she won't let anyone hit her' said Willow.  
'No, wait…' but she was already going.

'Buffy?'  
'Don't ask me again what happened, Willow' said Buffy with tired voice. 'I can't handle it right now'  
'Has anyone hit you? Beat you?'  
'Every day, yes, vampires'  
'Other than that'  
'Monsters?'  
'Oh, come on, you know what I mean' Buffy's eyes were wide as she looked Willow. "Oh my God, Willow knows, I have no idea who told her but she knows…" thought Buffy.  
'Who told you that???'  
'No one, but if it's true than why haven't you fought back or something'  
'You have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know what you were thinking but no one had b…had h…you'rejustwrongIhavetogo' babbled Buffy running outside.

"What can I do what can I do she knows she knows and there's nothing I can do but oh my god he's going to be so angry'

Then, it come _the Decision_.

It was so simple.

_** 'I can't live with this pain anymore'**_


	5. Liquid gold

_**Chapter 5: Liquid Gold**_

_**Music with the chapter: Cranberries -Ode to my family**_

_**Disclaimer: still don't own anything...oh,except for the Art teacher **_

You guys I'm so sorry I wasn't able to write from so long but now I'm back…(to anyone who actually reads this)

_**Unhappiness, where's when I was young  
and we didn't give a damn  
cause we were raised  
to see life as a fun and take it if we can…**_

Somewhere from the fog around her came a gentle voice, something like honey or liquid gold may be.

_May be I'm in heaven._

But than she realized that although it was in fact gentle she was able to sense worry and pain in his voice.

_May be not._

She opened here eyes sharply.

'I'm still here. So I guess it didn't work. I should've figured it out. I'm a Slayer, why few…or more pills would be able to kill me?'

'Do you hate me that much?'

'Why would you think that?'

'Why would you kill yourself? I have no idea what's going on, but I don't like it'

'I don't ask you'

'Fine by me. I'm just going to stay here to be sure you won't make something stupid'

'That's my room' shouted Buffy suddenly. 'Out of my room!!! I hate you! Out!'

'And she's back', grinned Spike. 'Sorry, pet, looks like I'm staying.'

'Why are you doing this to me?' she asked, suddenly all teary-eyed.

He sighed.

'Cause I know you? Cause I care for you? Who knows? I got you something to eat.I have no idea what you like so I took a little bit of everything sweet I found- ice-cream, chocolate, cookies, ….'

She looked him suspiciously.

'You have known I would do this'

'Yep'

'How?'

'Because I know you even better that you know yourself…except for what kind of dessert you like…'

She smiled, still not very sure if she should laugh or cry. But being around him made her feel warm instead of scared. Too warm in fact.

She pressed her lips on his, finding her way into his mouth. Her body pressed against his cold skin was burning with desire and something he wasn't able and didn't want to understand. He couldn't think. 'Be with me' whispered she furiously 'Now, please, be with me know, don't leave me' He hardened against her touch, his head spinning from heat and desire. She covered his face with soft, passionate kisses 'Like liquid gold', he thought, 'Like her. I have to do this for her' She have already started to undress him. He pulled himself away from her and gasped for air.

'What's wrong, am I going too fast? I thought you like it fast, don't you?' she teased and started undressing her blouse slowly, button by button…'Or you prefer it slow? I can be very, very slow' He found himself hypnotized by her perfect, soft, pink lips…

'We can't do this'

'What' she opened her eyes confused.

'We can't…That's wrong'

'Don't you like me?' tears started streaming down her face. 'Do you think I'm a whore too?'

_If only I was able to breathe properly I could have explained her._

'It's not…not like that'

She turned her face away embarrassed from the tears.

'Please, luv, believe me. I'm doing this for you'

'How could it be for me? You don't like me. You don't want this'

She was sobbing quietly. 'It's ok, just go, I'm used to this, ok, I know I'm not worth it , just go'

'What…no, sweety, it's not like that. I would give everything just to be with you, but you don't want this'

'How could you say this? I..'

'No you don't. You just want a substitute. A pill.'

'I just want to feel something for one second, please, Spike, please…Being with you is the only time I feel again. The only time I can feel whole again...'

'I know that. I care for you. I would do everything for you. You don't want it, not like this, tonight, …I'm here for you and I will heal you, and I'll be here for you every single moment until you're ok, and than I will make love with you, but not tonight…I love you and this is why I have to leave.'


	6. Solitude or how we say goodbye

_**Chapter 6: Solitude (or how do we say goodbye…)**_

_**Music: Cardigans- Please Sister; My favorite game**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own neither Buffy nor the songs **_

I know I said Riley is not in this story but the way the story goes he will be. But there's not going to be a chip and so on, Riley will be ordinary boy/man. I apologize. Don't worry it's still Spuffy.

'….and this is why I have to go now'

'And don't bother to come back!!! I don't want your pity!'

'What you're talking about?'

'You have no idea what I'm going through I don't want your pity!!!!' shouted she.

_There's this hole in me and you're not here for me you don't want me so how can you understand? _But she didn't say that.

'Of course I don't know and that is because….guess what…you didn't bother to tell me!!! Mean I'm just a vampire right? I don't have soul. I can't have feeling. Why would I love you? Why would I care?'

'Spike it's not like that….'

But he wasn't listening.

'You see only your pain. You don't know me. You don't want me, just someone to hold you. Well, not gonna be me… I'm leaving…but I'll come back. And when I do, things are gonna change. Oh, and make something useful from your life. Time heal everything just so you know…'

And so he left.

She stood there still, watching the door, not able to realize what just happen. She went to the bathroom, undressed herself and left the water going over her body.

_He left me. I'm alone._

_You never had him anyway. Never wanted him._

_I did. God help me, I did._

When this words finally sank in her, the tears came.

One by one, millions. First she was crying quietly, then she started sobbing uncontrollably. Her body was shaking. It hurt her more than anything, even more than what happened to her.

_**You should know that love will never die,**_

_**But see how it kills you in the blink of an eye...**_

_**I know love is a hard white lie**_

_**It knocks you down and then leaves you dry….**_

_I never told him I loved him. I never knew._

She cried until there were no more tears in her, until she had no voice to cry anymore. Then she climbed into bed and cried more. There was no time. No place. Only pain and solitude. The square of the window became dark and the shadows became longer. Her head was aching. Her brain was spinning. The dreams were coming in waves, full of panic and she was waking alone in the dark, unable to breathe. At some point Willow came back, and asked her if she was okay but she just pretended to sleep. It seemed that the night had no end.

Finally, she fell to long sleep, hopefully without dreams.

She dreamed of one little girl who wanted to became famous singer.

She woke up with fresh mind at lunch on the next day . Now she understood some of the things he said. To do something with her life. Hell she will. But first she had to say goodbye. He will be at the Bronze this night, she was sure.

Spike was sitting at the table, watching the ice melt in his drink. He was leaving tonight. He knew he had to do this for her and still it hurt him. To be away from her in moment like this. But there was no going back. Not now.

'And with the next song Buffy Summers want to say goodbye to a special someone who is going away'

Shocked, Spike looked the scene and smiled widely. She was wearing simple black skirt with crimps and black boots combined with black lace corset. Her hair was curled on big golden locks with pink ends. She was wearing pale pink lip gloss and smoky make up on her eyes.

She smiled and without anymore waiting said simply:

'I will wait for you'

_**I don't know what you're looking for  
you haven't found it baby, that's for sure  
You rip me up and spread me all around  
in the dust of the deed of time**_

_**And this is not a case of lust, you see  
it's not a matter of you versus me  
It's fine the way you want me on your own  
but in the end it's always me alone**_

_**And I'm losing my favorite game  
you're losing your mind again  
I'm losing my baby  
losing my favorite game**_

_**I only know what I've been working for  
another you so I could love you more  
I really thought that I could take you there  
but my experiment is not getting us anywhere**_

_**I had a vision I could turn you right  
a stupid mission and a lethal fight  
I should have seen it when my hope was new  
my heart is black and my body is blue**_

_**And I'm losing my favorite game  
you're losing your mind again…**_

While he was applauding her with the crowd he had only one thought in his mind.

_She looks like angel. And sings like one. Wait for me pet, I will come back for you._


	7. Mistake

_**Chapter 7: Mistake**_

_**Music with the chapter: Howard Shore-Into the West**_

_** Disclaim:..Uhm...you know, don't own anything**_

Just to say, I'm gonna mix the story a little bit(thanks to Guardian Erin). The story begins post-Gift only that Buffy start uni for first time than and she meet Parker before all happen

Oh, and the story is not ending, there is a lot more…

**W**hen she left the stage, she saw two things: Spike, who had smiled at her and left, then her friends, looking at her amazed. She reached them smiling.

'Hey, is that Buffy? Smiling? And- I'm sorry- singing????' grinned Xander.

She smiled widely.

'What's up guys?'

'I think it's your turn. Come on, what is this really? Last weeks you were so distant…so…and now you're glowing?'

'Have my moments'

'Is this because of that ….how was it…_special someone? Who is he anyway?' _

'Why we have never heard of him?'

'Where is he going?'

'Guys, guys, guys, chill…I can't answer all that at once…' she was red.

_It's from the heat. It should be._

'SOOOO?'

'I …kind of… can't talk about it now, okay, some other….' She saw ice blue eyes and suddenly felt sick.'…time…I have to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry' she said, pale and teary again.

'Xander!'

'What? I wasn't the only one asking.'

'I'll check' said Tara.

'You're mine, understand that…mine! I don't wanna see you ever again showing yourself again like tonight. You know you deserve what you got. Am I clear? I don't…' Tara reached Buffy finally. '…and don't forget to bring that special pictures tomorrow. Good night'

'Hey. Was that our Art teacher?' (Tara is in the same course)

'Yeah'

'You two seem to spend quite some time together. Is he the special…'

'No…God, NO! How could you even think that?'

'I just…I mean it's okay if you do…'

'I'm NOT, okay, will you leave me alone???'

'I'm just trying to help'

'You can't. I made a mistake and now I'm paying. Clean and simple. Tell the others I'll see them tomorrow'

'But…'

But she was already gone.

(next day)

'Buffy!!! Buffy wait!'

'What? Willow, what's going on? You're pale'

'I know about Professor Connely'

'What do you mean?'

'About the rape. The police took him until…'

'Who told them? Did you tell them? How did you know? He's going to be so mad… oh, God' She started gulping for air, talking faster. Her face was white, only her cheeks were red. She felt like she was sinking deeper and deeper in some hole and there was no way out.

'Hey, hey, it's ok, he's at the police….take a deep long breath…that's better… what's going on…you look worse than the raped girl?'

'Girl? Raped? Raped girl? There is another raped girl?'

'What you mean another…is there other…oh GOD! Did you? Did he? Oh my God Buffy why didn't you said something? He raped you?'

'Well not … I mean it's not like …I invited him in and everything and he doesn't take no for an answer…and…'

'This IS a rape, Buffy. Oh my God, I can't believe something like this could happen to you…'

'Don't look at me like this, please I just can't take it, not right now…' she backed off few steps. 'Forget it okay…' she ran away. This time there were no tears, nothing left of her to cry.

_I'm done._


	8. Run rabbit run

_**Chapter 8: Run rabbit run**_

_**Music with the chapter: E-type-life; ATB-Hold you  
**_

_**Disclaimer: don't own Buffy, songs, etc.…**_

The next few chapters I'll jump forward, to see only the important moments, this chapter with half year, next probably with another 1 year…which is when Spike will come back…probably…

…and in this story Riley is still in Professor Walsh course as normal student

(6 months later)

'Okay, for my next assignment I'll put you in groups of two. As we learned human behavior, every person has it's own past/story and this story reflects his life, his attitude, his self-image. I want you to interview your partner and write his story, the way it changed him and to give me these assignments next week. At least 5000 words. This assignment will form 20 percent of your grade people, so take it seriously.' Said Professor Walsh.

'Okay, now the groups'

'…and Buffy Summers…with Riley Finn'

_Thank you very much. Great. Just great._

As she was leaving the room, Riley found her.

'Hey. Wait. You're Buffy, right?'

'Yep. What do you want Riley?'

'Sorry, did we know each other'

'No, I just have seen you around. Never mind. I have to go.'

'Wait for the assignment…'

'Wait for me tomorrow at the lobby 5 p.m. sharp. Don't be late I don't have time to waste'

_Wow. That's what I call spirit. Why can't all girls be like her?_

'Are you mad at me?'

'No I'm not. We see each other tomorrow, write whatever we should, end of the story'

'Why are you so defensive?'

'I'm not. Can I go now? Thank you, bye'

_I want to know you better. I will._

The lobby. Next day.

5 p.m.

'Hey…Hello…Buffy…Earth to Mars, hello?'

She still wasn't aware of Riley presence. He touched her slightly on her shoulder and she jumped.

'Wow…I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you, but you weren't listening…'

'I'm not scared…ok where will we go?'

'I'm hungry. Let's go somewhere to eat…the café?'

'Whatever. Let's go'

'I will want double cheeseburger and coke and for the lady…' she looked Buffy with questioning look.

'I'm not a lady and I'm not hungry, thank you'

'…she'll have the same as me'

'Okay. How much do I own you?'

'You don't. The food is on me, it was my idea.'

'I wasn't hungry'

'Quit that. Don't worry for the money. If you eat like this it's no mystery why you are so bony'

'I'm not bony, okay? And I don't have extra money'

'You have to eat'

'Are you here for the assignments or to judge me?'

'I'm not judging you. Just asking. Now eat please, I said it's on me.'

'Fine. This time.'

'Oh, so there will be another time?'

'I didn't say that!'

'Okay, chill. Let's start with your story.'

'Why?'

'Stop this. I'm not here to judge you, I'm not gonna hurt you, so could we just do what we came to do?'

'My parents are divorced, they broke up when I was little, we used to live in LA, me and my mom moved to Sunnydale after that, I graduate, came to university… end of the story'

'No, Buffy, the real story. Look, Professor Walsh is not someone who will start talking to everybody about that okay so…'

'I don't understand you'

'Hum…last year? We all saw it changed you a lot so…'

'Is there anyone who don't know already? Why do you do this to me:?'

Her eyes filled with tears and she looked away, somewhere in the middle of angry and ashamed from her weakness.

'You have to talk for this sooner or later. Running won't fix the things'

'Neither will talking with someone I barely know'

'If you don't have anyone else'

'I have'

'Is this why you haven't spoken to your redhead friend for months?'

'You said you won't judge me'

'Is it always so hard talking to you or only when you're in period?'

'I'm not in period!'

'Okay, I don't bite and we loose time, so quit playing around and start talking. You might as well feel better after that'

'But don't stop me okay. I won't be able to continue. After that I'll leave and I'll meet you tomorrow for your story. And you won't say a word, deal?'

'Deal'

**One more time  
I leave behind just burning bridges  
it's a crime  
I am here  
There must be somewhere I can breathe  
Now take me there**

'…and when Willow said that he's in prison for the rape I thought she speaks for me so I told her without intending to. Then…well I didn't want to talk for this…and they wanted, as my friends, but they didn't understand that they couldn't help me…I told them some pretty mean stuff. Them my mother died and I moved back in her house to watch my little sister Dawn… so I don't have much time for friends and such'

She was on the verge of tears.  
'Does he still make you feel this way?'  
'I said no questions. Isn't it enough humiliation for you or you want more?'  
'I'm asking like friend'  
'I don't have friends.'  
'Why are you still ashamed from what he did to you? It's awful but it's not you fault. Why do you keep punishing yourself?'  
'Because I just do okay? Excuse me, I have to go throw up. Literally.' Said she when he looked her questioning.  
He went after her.

**It's time to see  
I'm gonna make you see  
no more make believe, you just go...  
Ive got life  
youre always on my mind  
you gotta believe in something, alright……**

'Why do you came…' she was speaking in between throwing up and crying. 'I don't want you to see me like this.' He started caressing her hair.'Just hold to me. You shouldn't be ashamed. And just so you know I like you.' She tryied to speak but he stopped her. 'And don't worry. I'm not him. I don't hit women and I don't force them when they don't want. Just trust me'  
'Why do you like me? Even I don't like me. I'm nothing.'

She finally stood up, still a little shaken, and leaned on the wall.

'Hug me. I'll bring you to your house. And you're not nothing. Did he teach you that?'  
'I can walk' she tried walking but her legs betrayed her. He caught her before she fell and lifted her in his hands.  
'Sure you can. It'll be just more comfy if I bring you. Let me bring you home. Your home'  
'Okay.' Sighed she.

**Give me something to turn to  
Like an answer that has no question  
Give me something that I can fight**

**I don't wanna hold you...I don't wanna hold you down...**


	9. My point of view

**Chapter 9: My point of view (Spike's)**

**Music with the chapter: Hot chocolate-You sexy thing**

**Disclaimer: don't own Buffy and the songs**

Spike entered the Bronze. He was certain…or almost, that she will be there. His 'goldilocks'. His angel. She was everything for him- to edge where he was willing to give his life(and death) for her. It wasn't pleasant love, it wasn't the love from the fairy tales. She represented all he was against. She was just a human. Some stupid girl. A Slayer.

She was his everything.

When he was with somebody else than her, he was waking from dreams in which she was so willing to be with him as he was with her. He was lost without her. Even when he hated her, he desired her. He knew her far longer than he did with the other Slayers and to be honest if he wanted to kill her that much, he would have until now.

He needed her to exist. This was the bare truth. It was love that was killing him(whatever this meant for someone undead). It hurt from the inside. It waked him at the night. It made him sick. Every second he thought for her. All he did was for her. She was consuming him.

But this was the real thing. Real love. He didn't wanted it.

But he felt. He felt it even before the crazy walk of the old Spikey to bring his soul back.

He was vampire. He shouldn't feel…but he did. It was magic and it was destroying him.

He loved her.

And now, year later, he was back. He was going to see her. If he had heart, it was going to beat crazy.

_Oh God. I see her._

His lips slowly formed shy smile-something very unlikely for him. Or the old Spike. He wasn't sure if the soul was changing him, or her. Again.

She was dancing in the smoky air of the dance floor, moving her hips with the beat of the song.

_**I believe in miracles, where are you from?  
You sexy thing…sexy thing, you…  
Where did you come from baby,  
How did you know I needed you,  
How did you know I needed you so badly,  
How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?  
Yesterday, I was one of a lonely people,  
Now you're lying close to me, making love to me…**_

**S**he was wearing low-heel boots, tight jeans and white tank top. She looked right into him and smiled widely. Her lips formed the words 'I missed you'. Or he was ready to swear it was this way.

Next thing he knew, some guy moved through the crowd and reached her. She leaned and kissed him slightly on the lips.

_She can't do that to me. _

_I don't believe that._

She started to dance slowly with the guy.

_Please let that be just a bad dream._

But it wasn't.

Two slowly beats of the song later, it hit him.

_This is her boyfriend._

Then all started happening automatically.

He walks furiously towards them. Touch guy's shoulder. Turn him towards himself and punish him in the jaw. Badly.  
Her eyes are full with terror and surprise and pure pain and he is almost willing to forgive her right at the moment.

He needs only two words. _I need you_.

But 'Spike what are you doing are you crazy' is what he gets.

She looks too shocked to say anything else.

The moment is gone and he hates her for what she is doing to him.

'Hope you're happy now' says he through his squeezed teeth.

Then he left, not turning back on her request for some explanation.

The song was finished and so was he.

There was nothing without her.

She had taken his undead heart and ripped it into tiny little pieces.

'We are not done Slayer. Not yet'


	10. I do but I don't

**Chapter 10: I do( but I don't)**

**Music with the chapter: Puddle of mud-She fucking hates me; Timbaland-Apologize**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and the songs**

It was almost a week after the night in the Bronze and Buffy was waking from dreams with him still.

_I'm not supposed to feel like this. I know I did a year ago and I know it felt good but it's wrong. It's madness. It's not possible to feel like this now. Not now. Riley is gentle and… normal. I supposed to feel like this about him…_

She was on her way to class when she saw him. Playful blue eyes and peroxide blonde hair…Her heart jumped wildly. He smiled right to someone behind her and she looked the floor trying to get away from the bitter feeling inside. He did this to her all week already. Suddenly he was studying in the uni now, in all of her courses. Coincidence. Yeah, right. He was making her life living hell. Not that it wasn't already.And all week he was ignoring her efforts to talk to him…Not that she could have blame him… but what he expected? To wait for him until she gets old and he doesn't want her anymore? This was nonsense. If she could just explain to him…

'Spike' she rushed after him. 'Spike wait! God can't you wait at least now??? How long do you intend punishing me?'

This time he stopped.

'Why would you think that?' he smiled, but it was more a grin than a smile. His eyes were full with anger. Not that she didn't understand how he felt, but couldn't he at least listen to her? Ok, she will play his game.

'And anyway how can you walk at daylight?'

'Oh, I got…a present…' he showed her the ring on his finger. 'Do Gem of Amara sounds familiar to you?'

'Do you need to talk to me like this?'

'I do. Do you have other questions or I can go now?'

'Why do you come back anyway_? I'll come back for you_….God! You ignore me all week and…'

'You think I came for you???' her eyes grew wide. He saw the pain in them, for a second, then the anger. 'Truth hurts'

'Oh…is that so…you have a soul and that thing…Gem-of-whatever and you think you're so much more, right? And than you come to my university and…'

'Now it is your university?'

'…and you go to all my classes and…don't you have somewhere else to be?'

'You think this is about you, don't you?'

'Well, isn't it?'

'Oh, I get it. You're jealous.'

'I'm the one who's jealous???? From what?'

'You tell me. That I can get any girl here if I want?'

'That's not true'

'If you say so…' he stopped some blonde girl who was looking dumb. _Not that she is beautiful. She's not. He can't do this…_

'Hey, baby, you wanna get something for lunch later?' she nodded smiling sheepishly.

Spike entered the classroom smiling at Buffy.

_I can't believe he just did to me!  
Not that I care!  
Cause I DON'T!_

'Hey, love' Riley kissed her on the lips.

_That's wrong. It was what he used to call me, with his cute British accent and that way of saying in which you're never sure if he's joking or not…_

"Hey, where are you? You're in that mood again? You know…I'm tired of that…this guy….'  
'What? What guy?'  
'Who hit me at the Bronze a week ago?'  
'I thought you have forgotten about him.'  
'I thought so…but how you expect me to do that if you are like this since than? I have the feeling you're thinking only of him since than…'

_Thanks Riley. Do you need to give me a hard time too? I KNOW it's wrong. What can I do? He won't forgive me anyway…_

'Quit playing jealous ok? I'm not thinking of him end of the story'  
'With you, there is never end. Don't you see?'  
'What are you saying?'

She felt the blood rushing quickly through her veins. Her heart started beating quicker.

Anger.

_You just can't do this tonight I'm sick enough… _

'You're only about your pain. You never see what others feel. You don't need me. You don't need anybody. Have you saw that your redhead friend is not with her other friend right now? Have you saw what I feel? I was with you-from 6 months already- every moment, I held you when you cried. I was with you when you were hurt. I love you. It took me months to get you to believe me. And now this guy shows up and all you think about is him and you're ready to jump him…'

She slapped him.

'So that's what you think of me. I'll jump him if I can…and you didn't consider for a moment that he might be old friend…but you know what, since you think like that I won't try to apologize, I'm that easy right, so I might as well go jump him…you know? Oh, let's see, may be Professor Connelly raped me because I deserved it. May be I was ready to jump him…'

She wasn't even aware of the tears on her red from the anger face.

'I'm sorry Buffy, I didn't meant it like this…'

'I'm late for class. I'm sorry Riley but we're done. That was it. Finished. Don't you see, we're not right for each other. If we were we would have trust each other…'

'BUFFY, please'

'I'm sorry'

When she entered the room Spike looked shocked her red puffy face.  
_Have she cried?  
For me? May be I'm too hard on her, I should…_  
It was breaking his heart seeing her cry and knowing it was because of him hurt even more…  
'Buffy…hey pet? I'm s…'  
'I can't handle you too Spike so just…don't touch me okay'  
'Whatever you say Slayer'  
The moment was gone. She wants it this way? Fine, she can have it.

After the course she was waiting for him outside. All the time they were fighting over the meaning of some poem, which she get to read just before the course began…

'Look not that I care, but could you not interfere with me every class?'  
'You mean making you look like a fool? It's not hard…'

_I want to hit you so much you snake…I don't have time to study, and you make it even harder…._

'Is making my life hell your main purpose? Don't you have a life?'  
'Hell? No, blondie, you have no idea what hell is. And anyway this would mean I actually at least see you…'  
'Oh, and you don't make it on purpose?'  
'As hard as it is to believe this it's not like I even like you'

_That's not what I feel. It's so far from __**like**__ I can't even express it. _

'Oh, that's not so hard to believe!!! You were the fool to say that-how was it-_love_ me. Like I would even get my attention on you.'  
'And what is that you're doing just now?'  
'This is cause you're irritating me!'  
'Oh, you feel the sparks too?'

_If I'm gonna be hurt you will too…In a moment I will know if you still feel the same or not…_

He stepped closer.  
She started gulping for air. Heat was rushing through her in big waves.  
_Why is so hot in here?_  
'You don't like me than'  
His lips were impossibly closer.  
'I don't'  
'Like me?'  
He touched her lips slightly and before she could response stopped.  
'Yep…I don't…' he leaned on one side almost touched her lips. Than he moved back. He leaned again and teased her until their lips finally touched. His tongue found his way through her mouth and soon she found herself passionately responding.'…like you. I don't…I can't…breathe…mmm…I….mmm….kind of….like this'

When he sensed she was on the edge he stepped back. Her face was red and she was breathing hardly. Her eyes were dull with desire.  
He smiled widely.

'I knew you had a crush on me'  
_It hurts but I have to do this. You're with him…_  
'No I don't let me go'  
'You are holding me love'  
Somehow her arms were around his neck. She pulled them back.  
'God! You're ego is endless'  
'You're the one who jumped all over me'  
'No I didn't'  
'And you didn't like it?'  
'I have a boyfriend'  
_I can't tell you the truth the way you act._  
'That's not an answer'  
'You're ruining my life'  
'You don't seem to object very much'  
'I don't like YOU! I hate you! I have to go!...' she turned to walk away. 'We're not done.' Her face was still red.  
_God what am I doing with him? It's so wrong, but than why do I want it so much?_  
'We're just getting started pet'  
'And don't you dare touching me again!'  
'I won't if you won't'  
'This won't happen for sure'  
'Okay. I believe you. If you say so. I believe you'

Next thing she knew, she was in bronze trying to forget him (she was alone after she broke with Riley) and here he is, on the stage, obviously drunk, trying to sing something, which he dedicated to…the Slayer of course. She was wondering if she should laugh or worry.

**She fucking hates me  
trust  
she fucking haaaaates me  
la la la love  
I tried too hard  
and she tore my feelings like I had none  
and ripped them away**

**She was queen for about an hour  
after that shit got sour  
she took all I ever had  
no sign of guilt  
no feeling of bad, no**

**In a trapped trip I can't grip  
never thought i'd be the one who'd slip  
then I started to realize  
I was living one big lie**

She was surprised to see that he actually sang good although his voice was little harsh. ..Or very...Trying so hard not to laugh, she stepped on the stage and tried to pull him off the stage.

'C'mon Spikey, you have to go to bed, c'mon'

He looked at her and recognized her, but he continued and before she pulled him off the stage, he was able to end the song.

**that's my story, as you see  
learned my lesson and so did she  
now it's over and I'm glad  
'cause I'm a fool for all I've said**

Everything was a hole of blackness and shadows. Not that he objected. It felt good.  
Then something ripped him from there and the pain washed over him. His head was about to explode. Her voice came from somewhere and he looked her, flicking rapidly.

'That's you Slayer'  
'Yep, me'  
'How did you get here?'  
'Don't you ask yourself the same about you?'  
'Well, that's my room.'  
'You got drunk Spike. You were singing 'she fucking hates me''  
'That's why my head hurts. What's your excuse to be so sour?'  
'I'm not sour! Why do you act like this?'  
'What part of _my head hurts_ you didn't understand?'  
'I'm not talking of now. But since you got back…'  
'Can you be quieter please?'  
'What's going on Spike? Whatever it is can you at least let me know? Can't we be at least friends? Do you have to be this way?'  
_Like you don't not what is wrong with me. God, my head, couldn't she come back later?_  
'Look, I'm sorry, but…'

**I loved you with the fire red-  
Now it's turning blue, and you say...  
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you  
But I'm afraid...**

**It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late whoa...**

'Look what happen with the old Spike? Who was fighting but was gentle also?''He was a fool. Sorry, he's not coming back'  
'Spike stop it! Don't you see I'm trying! But if you don't give me a chance we…do you wanna be friends or not' he was sitting quietly. 'fine. Whatever. Not that I care…'  
_**How could you do this to me?**_  
' Things change Slayer. You can't expect me to be the same fool I was' he finally stand from the bad, looking her with something she wasn't able to understand.  
'Oh, and you tell ME things change? I changed too, you know?...'  
'Yeah, in way that you're with that Riley guy and….'  
'No Spike' she hesitated, then continued. 'They changed in way…' once started, she wasn't able to stop. She telling all this for first time. The whole truth. Or almost.  
'… changed in way that you LEFT, my mother DIED, I have to work on two jobs to pay the bills, can't get better job because I don't have a degree, I can't get one cause my grades are slipping and I can't change them cause I don't have fucking time to study because of the jobs, and I'm always in bad or mean mood so it wasn't hard to push away the only friends I had and…'  
_God I'm such a jerk. I can't see her that miserable…_  
'I'm sorry love. I didn't know all that'  
'Riley just…he was here for me, you know?'  
'Yeah, I know'  
'I will leave now if you want me to'

He stepped closer.  
'You know, no matter how you changed, you're still so adorable as the first time I saw you at the Bronze'  
'Watching me fighting was adorable?'  
Her big chocolate eyes looked innocent and he was ready to believe every word he said.  
_Still so adorable, love._  
'I didn't meant that, although you always look adorable…I saw you before that…' one step closer '…you were dancing…'  
'Oh…that'  
He leaned to kiss her.  
'Spike what are you doing…you can't…certainly you don't think that after all this time we could…we can…uhm…'  
_Easy girl…don't act like he's your first…._  
She stepped back, embarrassed from her feelings.  
_I want you Spike. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know you and for sure I know that's wrong but I still want you…_  
Her back hit something on the wall and it started to give some strange sound, like an old computer when you start it…  
'What is this?'  
'Nothing…let's continue…'  
'I heard it again'  
She turned around confused.  
'You have big mirror…oh..' only then she realized she wasn't looking at her clothes. 'Oh!'  
'Spike tell me it's not what I think it is'  
The other her opened her eyes.  
'I don't wanna see you ever again Spike. Looks like you don't need me anyway.'  
The doll smiled widely while Buffy was leaving the room and said with sexy voice:

'**Spike. O, Spike!**'


	11. Duty calls

_**Chapter 11: Duty calls  
**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy and the songs**_

_**Note:In my story Tarra won't die **_

Spike was on his way to his history midterm, when he entered the computer labs to check something on the net for 5 seconds or so.

The first thing he heard when he entered was someone crying.

Not quietly, the way the adults usually cry, as if they are ashamed from their weakness. It was girlish crying, but in the way we cry only when we are kids or when we loose everything we believed in. In that way, in which you cry yourself inside out, until you're tired, until there's nothing left from you and you can't remember why you cry. But the problem is that you don't seem to remember how to stop either.

It's like there is nothing else, not now, not ever.

Sometimes it's like you cry for the crying itself or like you're acting like this for purpose.

For all he knew, it was breaking his heart. This soul thing sucked. He never felt like this for someone crying before.

'Hello, hey, who's there?'

The crying was continuing.

It seemed like the room was empty, so he concluded that the crying was coming from behind of the long back one of the chairs. He was right.

There she was, on the tenth chair he checked, crouched in shaking ball, looking just like child with her golden locks, hiding her face. It took him no more than a second to recognize her, even without seeing her face. He kneeled in front of the chair and touched her shoulder.

'What's wrong, pet?'

Buffy lifted her face, wet from the tears. He wasn't sure that she wanted him there. In fact he was sure she didn't. But his main concern now was why she was crying. All anger, hate he felt for her melted as he saw her like this.

'You're going to be late for the midterm' whimpered she.

'Never mind, what's wrong'

'I couldn't study. Dawn was sick. She's ok now, but I don't know anything …and I can't get in there like this…and I can't take this anymore…and I know you don't want anything to do with me…and…you hate me and…'

'Hey, it's ok, it's fine, I don't hate you and you can explain to the professor….'

'Nothing is ffffine ….Spike…you…don't…know…the…first…thing…about me….' She continues to cry.

'Then you're going to tell me. I'm tired of games love.'

'Go. You're…late' said she sniveling, but she felt strangely better, knowing he was there. All fighting from before was forgotten.

'I'm going to explain the professor what happen and then take care of you. Get up.'

'Your midterm?'

'I don't care, I care about you'

'You're mad' but still she took his hand and stood up. Her face was yellow and the hand he took was burning.

'You're sick. Why are you even here?'

'I caught it from Dawn. But I have a midterm.' She took a step forward, after which her strength gave up and she fell on the chair again.

'I'm ok' whimpered she.

'You don't need to be brave now, kitten. I'm gonna bring you'

'I can walk'

'Sure you can'

'You're gonna be sorry for this! Spikeeee!' squeaked she when he lifted her in his hands.

'You can kick my ass as soon as you're better, love'

She had muddy memories of Spike bringing her to his room, where she was drowning blissfully in the fluffy bed. After that his golden voice telling her that the teacher gives her second chance and she could do the midterm when she's ok. Then everything was gorgeously blurred in beautiful mix of colors, voices and sounds.

She was running in the streets of Istanbul, dressed in strange black dress covering her from head to toe and disturbing her movement. It was dark night and she was finding her way intuitively. Someone was after her and she was hearing him from behind. Every door she knocked on was slammed in her face. She was out of breath but she couldn't afford to stop, because it meant dying. The steps behind her reached closer and something hit her. There was enormous pain and she screamed but there was no one else, except for the night….

'Pet, pet, wake up, it's ok, you were dreaming'

She never felt so happy to see someone in her life.

'I'm alive'

'Yes. What happened?'

'I…something is coming Spike. I have no idea what, but it's gonna be grand. I have to bring the Scoobies back'

'You're still not ok…'

'But I…'

'I'm gonna bring them. Trust me. Get some sleep, looks like you're gonna need it'

'Wait.'

He looked her questionably.

'I can't start all this again. Not if I can't put the past behind. They deserve to know the truth. So do you. I need to get drunk, but since I'm feeling like this it's not the best idea that I can figure out…'

'Ok, pet, drink this first'

The drink he gave her was thickly with the color and for that matter the taste of blueberries. It made her feel dizzy.

'So the story is not gonna be easy. Or short. And don't judge me before I.. did you put something in the drink Spike?'

He shrugged his shoulders indifferently.

'Told you you need sleep first. The story can wait a little bit'

'I'm gonna kill you Spike' she said with tempting voice 'sooner or later…'

'Can't wait kitten' he enjoyed watching her falling asleep. Her face was so much more beautiful in the rare occasions when she was completely calm…She was the important.

Everything else could've wait.


	12. Shower and one very long night

_**Chapter 12: Shower and one very loooong night**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything**_

_**Music with the chapter: Massari-Real love**_

He entered the room furiously. She should explain to him. She should be awake.

She was standing right in front of him, with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice in her hand, looking him amused.

'You drink this? It tastes like shit…'

He grabbed the bottle from her hand.

'You're drinking? Why haven't you told me? And…'

'I told youuu I 'eed to get dhrunk Spikey….' She stepped closer. Obviously she still wasn't completely drunk but she was already in high spirits and ready to play…whatever she could. She leaned closer to him. 'I…want cha' said she, like she was making the most important statement in the world.

'Do I have to learn it from other people?' continued he without paying her attention 'Why haven't you told me you were raped year ago?'

She immediately became sober and took a step back, kicking the ..things on the floor. Just than Spike saw that his room was turned upside down and most of his things were broken.

'Have you gone completely mad? What's wrong with you?'

'I'll tell you what's wrong! Do you have the slightest idea how I felt? How could you leave me here locked?'

'You were sleeping…'

'I woke up, Spike. People usually do that after they sleep. And I panicked. I didn't know how long I slept, I didn't now how's Dawn, what's going on with my courses, and my jobs and…do you know how it felt?'

'And your decision was to get drunk?'

'I'm not drunk, Spike, not yet!!!'

'Oh you are, but believe me you won't be soon.'

He caught her hand and pulled her in the bathroom. She wasn't aware of what's going on until the cold water splashed over her.

'SPIKE!'

He stopped the water and gave her a little smile

'Don't worry Willow and Tara are watching Dawn and you can go back to your courses when you're ok.'

' I AM ok. My jobs?'

'Oooops. I have no idea where you work, sorry pet. BTW, you look ridiculous'

He smiled widely but soon his smile faded. She really looked ridiculous, with her wet hair, sulky face, and cigarette between her teeth.

'Since when do you smoke?' he was smoking also at the moment.

'Since now. I was nervous'

'You're not smoking it's not bloody healthy'

He pulled the cigarette from her mouth and threw it in the water.

'Yes I am. You can't stop me.'

'It's not healthy. You can get cancer.'

'Doesn't stop you.'

'I'm already dead, remember'

_Why do he need to piss me off every time? _

'Since I'm not smoking you're not also' she did the same with his cigarette.

'FINE!'

'Fine!'

'Fine'

They looked each other furiously.

In the next moment grabbled each other, kissing and touching the other still furiously.

It was when he started undressing her when she realized what's happening.

'No, Spike, not, stop, SPIKE!'

He stopped breathing hardly.

'Spike we can't…'

'Why?' then he realized. 'Is it because?'

There was no need of words.

'No, God, no, why do you have to bring this up?'

'Why you never told me?'

'This, right now, Spike is why I didn't. I mean look at me, I'm a mess. What you wanted me to say anyway? Hi Spike, I was raped but it's not a big deal, I don't worry that you wouldn't want me like this, I don't worry at all that you'll hate the way I am now, I honestly LIKE the fact that I have all this bloody scars and I don't care that you wouldn't want anything to do with me after you see them. And since that's not enough I'm NOT scared of you and what we could do even a slightest bit and I don't panic and I don't think it's wrong and I'm not scared from the fact that you are vampire and I'm a Slayer and still you're the only thing that makes sense in my life….'

He was looking her speechless. He was amazed that she could feel all this and found it stupid, but cute and scary at the same time.

'Say something, please'

_**Girl)Girl, im going out of my mind(mind)  
and even though i dont really know you(you)  
and plus im feeling im running out of time  
im waiting for the moment i can show you(show you)  
and baby girl i want u to know**_

He was unable to speak and he wanted to tell her so much.

Her eyes filled with tears.

'This is why I never told you.'

She pushed him away and left the bathroom.

He stood still for a moment, then ran after her.

_**i gotta get you out of my head but baby girl i gotta see you once again(again)**_

_**its real love that you dont know about..**_

'Wait" he caught her hand and turned her to face him.

'Look, I'm a jerk'

She looked him surprised.

'But you…I mean you're silly'

'Then let me go!' whimpered she. "Let me go Spike!'

'No, no, don't get this wrong, I mean I a jerk and you're silly but that's ok cause I love you. And you…how could you be so silly to think I wouldn't want you? I will always want you, the way you are with the scares and everything…the whole package, I wanted you even when I hated you and it's making me mad cause I don't have any idea what you feel.'

'I just told you.'

'Yeah, you did. Can I kiss you now?'

Her heart skipped few beats.

She kissed him this time, putting in this kiss all desperation and desire she felt.

'I was scared Spike'

'Shhhh, don't talk'

'No I need to. I was scared that you'll hate me because I hate myself and oh my God I'm so awful, why do you even like me…and..I mean…I know you killed people too so you know how it feels but I….I don't kill people…I mean I did but usually I don't and…do you understand me?'

'Are you still drunk?'

'NO!'

'Do we need to talk about this?'

'Not now. Later' She kissed him again until none of them was able to breath. 'There will be time later. Kiss me now.'

And so he did.


	13. What divides us

**Chapter 13: What divides us**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters **

Suddenly she moved away.

'What about the robot?'

'Throw it away after you left, love. Riley?'

'Broke up with him'

'So you're free'

'You too'

'I think I know some ways to pass time….'

'Sounds like a plan…'

Her voice had this smoothness that she have had only when she felt completely safe.

She was lying down on the bed, feeling Spike over her. Her curves were fitting his body in amazing way. He laid and kissed her cheek, than her lips, then her neck. Gently. She became nervous.

_What if I forgot how to do this?_

_What if I'm really nothing? _

_What about the scars? I know he said it doesn't matter but…_

'Spike'

'I will be gentle, I promise'

'I know you will. And you're a vampire. When some humans are so harsh you being gentle is worth twice, but Spike, why?'

'Why what?'

'Why do you wanna be with me?'

'Oh, no, don't do that…'

'Do what'

'I know you, pet'

She closed her eyes so he couldn't see how she felt.

He kissed them.

'How much times do you want me to say that I love you? Because I will. Every time when you feel down I will say it to you until you're ok again'

"Silence is not the answer, love'

'But it's all I got'

Without saying anything else she pushed him from herself and stood up.

Silently, she removed her clothes.

'I changed Spike. I'm not a fighter anymore. I'm this. Look at me and tell me if you really want me. I'm beneath you, Spike'

'I remember you saying just the opposite'

'People change. I changed.'

Now he really took a look at her. Her pale skin was painted with scars. Some of them, the older once, were like whiter lines through her skin. But there were others more recent ones, which made Spike wonder how she got them, but her bitter look told him without words. The anger rushed through his veins and he pulled her closer enough to hold her waist.

She gasped for air.

'Spike!'

'Never, never hurt yourself on purpose again. Promise me!'

'The pills were useless. So I…I…I guess I was too coward even for this'

'Don't say that. I still don't'

'Tell me you still want me' it wasn't demand. Or it was, but ironic. Just she expected the opposite.

'I still do'

'The truth. Last time you shouted at me because of one stupid scar. So how does it feels now, Spike?'

'If you want me to walk away the way you do it won't happen.' His voice was quiet but she was able to sense the anger in it better than if he was shouting. 'I'm not saying I like this. I'm not saying I'm ok with this. I won't say I wouldn't or won't kill him if I could. But I'm yours. Forever.'

'So I got my knight on white horse after all' said she withy low voice.

'Prefer black'

She smiled.

'But Spike'

'What?'

'I'll never be the victim again. I'll never be the slave again. I'm leading this time. Whatever we do it will be because I decided it to be this way.'

'I always liked strong women'

'Kiss me. When you kiss me I see fireworks.'

_Gold under my eyelids. _

'I'm all for the fireworks kitten'

He kissed her belly again, and then under it.

'Spike! I never meant…mmm…oooh'

She laughed from relief and desire at the same time. She wasn't scared anymore. He was touching her in ways she has never imagined before. When she was with Angel, she was still just a kid, turning a woman. She was exploring. She never felt pleasure from the thing that people write poems about. Her pleasure was coming only from the closure with the man she loved. Angel. Now he was gone. Parker…the night with him was good, but it wasn't complete. There was no closure, only desire for the time. When she was raped it was…she wasn't even able to think of it. She felt strangely detached from it, like it had happened to somebody else long ago…But Spike… he was different. Closure. Desire. Friendship. Love. Hate. Irritation. Heat. She felt it all. And still, confusion.

'Spike!'

'Trust me. I will show you how to make love, love.'

_So he said it finally._

_He defined it. Love, not just sex._

_And this was supposed to be comforting?_

'Spike'

'I love you Buffy. I don't want it but I love you and I'm yours. Now and forever'

'Now and forever' repeated she blindly, her eyes darker than usually, full with desire.

And she was his, even before he entered her and they became one.


	14. Over

**Chapter 14:Over**

**Music with the chapter: Kelly Clarkson -Because of you**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters**

He woke in the middle of the night from her crying. Her face was turned in the opposite direction and as soon as she sensed that he was awake she tried to stop.

'Don't look at me, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't wanted to wake you up'

'Kitten'

'Don't worry, it's one of the easy nights'

_If this is one of her easy nights, I wonder how it is when it's hard. She's so brave._

_I'm such a freak. I know he will see it too._

'I'll bring you water'

'Thanks' at first she was shivering so hard that she splashed some of the water, but after some time she finally felt better.

'I probably look awful'

'Even like this you're more beautiful than every woman I ever saw'

'Than you haven't met anyone'

'I'm serious.'

'So am I'

'You know that you have to tell me the whole truth sooner or later, right?'

'I don't understand you.'

'You do. Just tell me when you're ready. I know it's not only the rape…'

'You do?'

'You're a warrior. But there's something more here. I can't figure out what but I know there is. You're so brave. And for something to break you there is more. Tell me I'm wrong.'

She went silent.

'Look whatever it is I won't judge you.'

'Night'

She just turned to the other side. It was too soon and too late for the truth. Wrong time. Wrong place. Once she was fighting for the good. She belonged to the light. Now, she belonged to the shadows. She was just a ghost walking in strange world which she wasn't able to understand and it didn't understand her. She was nothing. Everything in her life was complete mess. She failed in everything. And now He was here. And it wasn't fair to him. She just wanted to escape from this reality so much.

_**Because of you **__**I tried my hardest just to forget everything **_

_**Because of you **__**I don't know how to let anyone else in **_

_**Because of you **__**I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty **_

_**Because of you **__**I am afraid **_

They say the morning is wiser than the night and it was truth, almost every time.

But than again, it all comes to the decisions we make.

There are this decisions that are good.

There are the bad ones.

The ones we make because we are weak.

The ones we make because we feel safer.

And there are the hard ones, that don't become easier with the morning.

When the morning came, it wasn't easier.

She knew now, she made a bad decision, which she was unable to change.

When Spike woke up the first thing he saw was Buffy staring at him.

'Hey love'

He leaned to kiss her, but she moved back.

'I'm sorry Spike. All this was a huge, huge mistake.'

'I don't unders..'

'You won't. Never. You can't. It's just like that. Simple. This night won't happen again.'

'Why don't you just tell me the truth once and for all and stop this act. You know I can understand you. But not if you don't give me a chance'

There it was. The decision. She couldn't run again. It was time to do what she must've done a long time ago.

'Spike, it's over between us. Whatever it was it is over. I know you wouldn't want me after that but I will tell you anyway because you deserve it. But after that I will leave and it will be over'


	15. The aftermath

**Chapter 15:The Aftermath**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters**

If there's only one important memory of your life, what would it be? If you have only one important decision in your life you can change what would you change? And what about the small decision, just little, insignificant once, that later change your life forever? Do you have one, only thing you're absolutely sure you would change if you could've? The one thing you'll regret all your life? There are many small mistakes in our everyday life, thought Buffy, and that was fine. Mistakes define us as a people. But there was one small minor thing that turned her life upside down and now she was suppose to pay for it. One small voice in her was saying 'it's not fair, it's not fair' but it wasn't helping. And every time she was trying to 'start her life again' everything was remembering her about that small mistake and the world was slipping from underneath her. There are just things you can't overcome. You just can't pass them. They are you and you are them. They define you as a person.

But sooner or later the time for the truth was coming. And this time came. Now.

There was nothing she could hide herself behind here. Nothing she could do to stop it. It felt like the end of the world. It was worse.

'So'

'I can't, Spike'

'Just try, c'mon. This is just simple words.'

'They are the last words between you and me'

'I don't think so'

'Well, they are. Anyway…I…you…I mean…I can't do this, I'm sorry, Spike, it's not you, it's me…'

_I can almost feel the way he looks at me. I feel better knowing that he does not pity me. But I can see he expects more. I know how it is. He thinks that whatever you can tell him can not and will not change our relationship. Well, we don't have a relationship. It was just a one-night stand. And the funny part is, I'm not really a one-night stander. I wasn't. But that's just the way things are now. End of the story. And you say to the people all those things, like 'it's not you, it's me'. But of course they don't get the truth. They won't to even if you say it to their faces. When I said that to Spike I actually meant it. I can say by the look of his face he didn't believe me. People never do. They are self-centered. They like to put you in label. And when you tell them something like that they will never believe you. You can see that their first thought is 'of course, it's not me, yep, I believe you'. As I stair in his face I see this time all walls and everything I can do can not stop him. I will have to tell the truth this time. But I can't. It's like I forgot how to talk. I can't even say a word._

'You're not gonna die if you say it, you know. And even if you do, won't be your first time, right?'

_He actually makes me smile, and then the tears fall on my cheeks, without me even noticing them. I start to laugh and cry at the same time and I still have no idea what is so funny. The situation is so tragic I'm starting to laugh more, crying my heart out at the same time. And when I'm done he's still here. As always._

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just…' _suddenly I see it is time and I feel like cold water is splashed all over me. My stomach is turning upside down when I say the words. The words I know he won't believe. The words I know he will laugh to. But still the words I have to say, because they are the truth, and that's the important thing, right._

_As I say them, I'm not so sure._

_But I still do what I have to._

_Say._

_The._

_Words._

_The air seems thicker._

_My head hurts._

_My body hurts._

_Being here is the most hard thing in my life._

_Because making mistakes is not so hard. They just slip. Paying for them is the hard part._

_I take enormous gulp of air._

'I…killed…somebody. I…mean…a…man'


End file.
